continued from here
Luckily for me- me I quickly pack my (emotional) luggage when I see “no-go-area” signs. Don’t get me wrong, I might still communicate or mess with them but I drop the hopes of things ever going places quickly- i don't have time to waste. Me- I don’t deceive myself. I can never forget 10 years ago when I dated Romeo. I won't front- me I begged and toasted o! Kai, me and my shameless self. Lol!! (the stupid things u do as a child). But the boy refused to get back with me- he had babe all along who he went on to marry 3-4 yrs down the line. And I swore to myself NEVER AGAIN. If man no send me or I’m not no.1 and only in dude’s life- I keep it stepping. It’s not by force o. But it’s easier to keep it stepping when the relationship hasn’t started. It’s easier to turn your back when you’re yet to go deep into the relationship before finding out his or her dubious ways. And Jesus-Lover or not, spouses do stop loving their partners. How do u stop loving ur spouse who no longer loves u? Or a partner who calls off an engagement?
But as I said- what I can't understand is why some bother with men/women who obviously are not interested in them or have nothing to offer them even before the start of a relationship……and yet continue to long for them. I hope that made sense.
I understand a man has to chase and make a girl see why she should be with him. But a time comes when the man will have to walk away when the chic is not forth coming. When I actually said to myself- Why Bother, Tigeress. I was actually thinking of the awkward Yomi (who my aunt, a pastor, introduced me to) who after talking to me just once felt I needed to move back to the UK as me and him will make a good couple; wants to marry. This is someone if I allow- will bombard me with 30 emails in a day. Or think of Biggy who paid for my airfare to UK (last year) for us to spend time together, who I PAINFULLY have conversations with but who is ready to get married. Then I think of English (shakey English)- very pleasant guy who I respect very much but I feel nothing for whatsoever- I wish I did. He too wants to marry. And I think of pleasant English2 who clearly digs me, wants to get married, a Christian, but to talk to him is like a chore. Why don’t I bother with these guys? These guys that I do not like but clearly see something in me and ARE interested in me and are looking to settle. Some will call this me being picky and to go for one of them while others will say don't be desperate and settle. Maybe I should bother with them. They can offer the kinda commitment I want.
While i'm not insisting in falling in love before marriage- I am content with liking and loving the person. (yes, there is a difference between being in love and loving someone). So NO as long I do not like them that way, I shall not marry one of these pleasant men who are ready to marry (me). Or maybe I will? But emotions should be mutual-right? I for one will not want to marry someone who is only with me cos i'm all he could get. But is there anything wrong with that? Maybe this so called chemistry is overrated. Maybe one can grow to love/like someone? As for the Yomi guy who my aunt thinks is the best thing since slice bread- if he's ok looking- maybe i'll date him. Maybe my aunt is right about the man loving me more being important; and then again she is right about me not getting younger. Check out http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry.
Look the reality is- if some of us should keep waiting for that prince charming to sweep us off our feet or princess Ester that has mastered the art of submission- at age 45 we'll still be waiting.
Men, if all the girls you seem interested in are never interested in you- maybe u shld try dating the ones you over look. Maybe the reason why you and I are single is becos we bother with the wrong ones. After all I’m a believer that not everybody is destined to be in love but we are all built for companionship.
As for my lovely evening out with FRO........keep watching this space. hehehehehe
29 comments:
first!!!
let me go and read... he he
Wow ! very, very informative>
I am a firm believer that you may not get a finished product everytime...but i am sure you can work on the person you are with and turn that supposed "ugly duckling" into a swan..
Maybe you should give Yomi a chance...what do you think...maybe he is inviting you back to the UK, cos some people are not able to the long distance thing..
Second..yay!!!
i heart you..while i am a believer in the fall heads- over- heels in love and all, i also believe that sometime, we as humans are impatient, i know i can be that way.
Sometimes, we take a look at a person or hear a voice and we have already stereotyped the individual in one way or the other.
i say take a second look, you never know where the excitement might come from and things can spiral from there.
i agree with you tho on wasting bothering with someone who obviously doesn't send you. me, i'm sensitive like that. just start giving me silly signals and i'm out.
Miss Tigeress..
If your not feeling the person, don't settle for less.
U only have one life to live, no need settling for smething ur not going 2 enjoy. Becase a decade from now u'll start regretting enterin the marriage
sometimes kwa,i wonder if someone is after me cos noone else wanted him.
Don't settle for less than your "realistic" standards.
And other times, it takes us longer to see what someone else saw in a split second.
Marriage is a huge commitment, step towards the rest of your life. If it doesn't feel right, it AIN'T right!
My two cents, with my drink on the side *wink*
Mscheeeeewwww, see as u d'agbalagba laamu, tigeress. My amebo self dropped my delicious moimoi when I saw new post from Tigeress becos of Amebo...lol
I second Chayoma, Tigeress. Marriage is a huge commitment. It will put everything you've ever heard about love and commitment to the test. We must all take our time in embarking on that journey. It's true that you can grow into loving someone, but I think it's unfair to that person to settle for that reason.
I guess its hard to leave when you love them even when the feeling is not mutual.
I do not believe there is any one person for you, but when you find someone you can marry who is ready; Do it darling, Don't slack
I am with CONTROVERSY on this one but also on a second look tho,i believe that sometimes we need to look beyond the coverin,avoid unncessary stereotypes and work around what you got like Histreasure and Dante rightly pointed out..
Hope the best comes for you on this long search for the right one..
If this is the bother, then don't. Marriage is for a lifetime and even if not, is better worked at when there's at least a bedrock of likeness and mutual respect. In the list of guys you mentioned, I don't see that you respect or like them. So please for your own safety and mental health, don't bother.
Don't hoard the FRO gist abeg. LOL
as you said hon..why bother!!
word! like i discussed that article........ maybe settling aint so bad after all
your POV shows a lot of maturity. Hot love can easily get cold but a more mature and slow-building approach can take u places. Since u are not blinded by love you can get to know this person and watch them from an objective position. In all, I know u will be sorted eventually. Give the man a chance or at least just hear him out.
I am with Nefertiti,marriage demands a whole lot.i also think love is highly over-rated and over analyzed and over talked about!!!!
there are times i have been made to agree respecting a man is faaaaaar more important than "loving" him...that brings us to the over-analysed and over-rated difference between love and respect!!
btw,that article u sent us to go and read is LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how on earth didi u come across it?
hmmmmm
for me oh, i refuse lots of guys cos i wasn't feeling them. so many pple told me to be realistic, & for a while i tried but it was just too much effort to put into a relationship! i kept thinking, if it is this hard to enjoy dis man's company now, how horrible will it get wen i do marry him?! So i decided i didn't care to be realistic anymore. But i have to tell u, it got scary wen all d ones i was dying for no dey even look my side sef. Luckily 4 me sha, i finally met MM. Well, actually, n d beginning, i wasn't dat impressed with him. But i didn't rule him out entirely. We kept talking until i found myself looking forward to his call. From there, i started longing to see him. & den wen we finally met, i was so physically attracted to him dat i could have jumped in d sack wit him if not 4 common sense. hahahahaha.
Bottom line, have affections 4 a man u intend to marry is very very important. Like Nefertiti & Myne Whitman said, marriage tests all ur tot u know abt love & commitment. Don't set urself up 4 failure by settling.
@ q.money: i believe respecting a man goes hand in hand with loving a man, cos where it is just respect & no love, it starts to look scaringly like fear. one needs to be at rest wit their spouse, not strung up all d time worrying if he's displeased. besides, every matured man also wants to be adored by his wife, not just respected.
This article u linked is just hilarious, & I have d say d writer hit d nail on d head wen she spoke on her friend dat at the time couldn’t imagine settling . . . “but here’s the Catch-22: ‘If I’d settled at 39,’ she said, ‘I always would have had the fantasy that something better exists out there. Now I know better. Either way, I was screwed.’” For me, dat was saying exactly my sentiments towards d argument of weda a woman should settle & den risk getting divorced later, or remain single & hope for Mr. Right who may not come.
Also her ending sentence was so very funny & apt: The lists go on, and each time, I say, “‘OK, if you’re so unhappy, and if I’m so lucky, leave your husband! In fact, send him over here!’ Not one person has taken me up on this offer.” Most women would would rather be unhappily married than single. Aint dat strange!
For me I wouldn't call it settling, it's more or less about accepting the things you love about the person and agreeing to learn and live with the aspects he doesn't quite deliver.
Same way a guy would look at you and say, she's all that BUT......
there will always be "buts" but: it's the but that you are willing to live with for the rest of your life that matters.
So my dear- that person must be .......fill in the blank spots (lol)...... enough for you to want to settle.
*did I just babble.
My meds are getting a better part of me.
There's no managing/settling oh!!!!(as we Nigerians like to say)
Be realistic, no one's perfect, but if there's good communication,love, physical attraction etc then it's all good - half the time the 2 people never hit it off! as FFF said-
Chyoma, Neffie are so on point
After all I’m a believer that not everybody is destined to be in love but we are all built for companionship.
OH MY GOD that is the most interesting thing I have heard all week.
Why r we marrying, if we r not inlove???
Is that not the whole point???
i was called hot headed by one of the guys i was not bothering with. He's liked me for a very long time but i keep bouncing his *ss... Nway he made me think wen he said we women discuss with our friends too much what the "ideal" man should be like instead of giving the simple guys a chance and seeing if he treats you right. I am starting to agree with your aunt, its good for a man to love you more and then you know you're taken care of for life and thats definitely something you'll grow to love!!!
I always think that unless the guy possesses a quality or qualities that are deal breakers for me (smoker, non-Christian, druggie, dabbles in illegal activities, etc) I will go on a date with them or get to know them a bit and see what happens.
I have read that article and I understand its message. I'm trying to focus on making sure the guy's core is what I'm looking for, and being less picky about the package he comes in. But I must be attracted to him, and there must be some reason why I'm committing to being with him rather than some other guy. Otherwise, the guy is only a friend.
I made a decision some years ago, if a girl turns me down, I'm out - her loss.
I'm going to write a post about this sometime. I need to update sef.
Te he he he...the things is most of us suffer from immaturity. if someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. Madea said that.
-Rosie
I have learnt that lesson. If a man no send me, I should just keep steppin on and away. Nice 1!
I ask myself that all the time. Why bother??? Like u said in ur previous post, you can't tell your heart what/what not to feel. You simply can't control it.
Sometimes, people mistake knowing what you want and aiming for it, as being picky.
I honestly don't think you can grow to love someone, while you are already in a relationship with the person. While all these guys are hungry for commitment, I think the key thing is to know them very very well, see which one of them you have the best connection with and work on it.
Its a do or die affair. So, its worth it, to make it worthwhile.
I'd rather be married at age 35 to the right person for me, than at 23 and looking for a way out.
Falling in love with someone doesn't mean they are a finished product. Falling in love is just falling in love, it needs no basis, it is involuntary. Feeling someone is not falling in love either, its just basic attraction. If it is not there pls do not bother with the person. I have been there but thankfully I've lived to tell the tale.
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