I don't love you but i'll marry you

A lot of folks on blogsville are either in love, searching for love, or pining for the love they once had. For me, I’m in the category of those searching for love and wanting to marry for love amongst other things. For those who pine over/for the love they once had- I do feel for them but at the same time can not relate. I do not envy them for the pain and broken heart they seem to have gone through at the same time I wish I knew what love feels like- I can only imagine. I have been love once but I was 18 then, and I don’t think an 18 year old being in love can be compared to a mature individual being in love. An 18 year old being in love is Mary Poppins kinda love.

Because I have not had an emotional wrenching relationship- I’ve never been one to be bitter towards guys, but at the same time I’m very aware of what others go through- so I am paranoid of getting played or treated like crap at this stage in my life.

The pressure is on!! Sometimes (depending on time of the month- lol!!) it irks me and on other days I’m like- whatever. This month of November has been one of those months. I have 2 guys who I know or shld I say I believe genuinely like me but I don’t know what’s wrong with me- am I too picky or just plain unrealistic? Cos they do not peak my interest. There is Short D. My problem with him is that- I don’t know what he’s doing. He isn’t working nor is he in school- that bothers me. Then there is Uncle Doc. 10.5 years older than me- meeeeeeeehhhhnnnn that age difference bothers me big time!!! Dude is even older than my uncle (by only a few month tho). Dude is gonna be 40 in 3 months!!!! 40!!!!! What the hell!!! It’s not only guys that want to marry ‘ayounge’ we women too want to marry young blood. I don’t think wanting to marry someone between -1 to 7years older than me too demanding- abi? Other than being old, I’m not attracted to Uncle Doc- he’s on the big side plus he’s from another Nigerian tribe. Mehn, I can’t be blowing English 24/7 naow. Kilode?!!!! Uncle Doc has a good personality- tries hard to be young at heart and a bit too chatty for me. I like Uncle Doc but I’m not interested in either him or Short D. Nor do I like Doc (Doc, Biggie & English) and his obnoxious self. So this then brings me to my main question- are some of us destined NOT to find love, fall in love, find our other half, and get the butterfly effect? Are some of us just destined to settle for what we can get, and maybe grow to love our spouse? Am I asking too much for wanting to marry someone I’m slightly attracted to? Why is it ok for men not to date women like me that are slim and I’m frowned upon for not wanting to date someone I’m not attracted to? Should I stop waiting to fall in love before marrying? Cos if I should continue waiting- I might be 41 and still waiting for this so called love.

This month has been one of those months. I x’d West Ham out of my life- which was very easy. Drummer Boy was the opposite- we actually started talking more but nothing lovey dubby o- just general gist. As for @- just continued with the FB poking. @ recently called me in the middle of the nite his time after a nite of clubbing. I was surprised cos it had been a minute- I even thot maybe something was wrong. You guys remember my blog: I'm getting married!!! Well the same topic came up- as usual I laughed about it thinking it was a joke, but boi was I wrong. The laughing stopped immediately and I was gub smacked with shock. I’ve learnt not to react immediately I get angry/upset so I ended the conversation- politely and said we should talk another time. But I was extremely upset. VERY upset. Cos the way I see it, the ONLY way I see it is- dude don see me finish. I’m still single at this age abi? So I should be happy that he gave me that kinda offer with the fact that there are plenty babes (spring chickens in fact) who’d be up for it. I should consider myself lucky- abi? Me? A WHOLE ME?!!!! I’ve said it once and I say it again- no man can have me in his life with another woman and be at peace. I am 1.5 in 1. WTF!!!! Nigga got me swearing here!!!! I felt the pressure hard there (Life, fears & pressures of being a Hen). It’s been years since I’d asked this question, but that nite I asked- Why am I still single? If I were not, would he have the audacity to ask me such??!!! Told my uncle, Mr. Kay, about this. Mr. Kay na my homeboy/padi plus he’s pali’s with @. To make matters worse, a day after I told Mr. kay, Mr. Kay calls me to give me ultimatum- I have to be married by May 2009 and that he was on the look out for me. Lol!! I guess he had a panic attack that his lovely precious niece might settle for @’s offer. Only if Mr. Kay knew he pissed me off as well. What the hell?!! Wha kin dety pressure be dat? Make Mr. Kay go warn himself o! E won marry me off?

And the last but not the least. DM (Drummer boy and my mojo) told me his wedding date (via email) and to my uttermost surprise I felt crushed for like 2 loooong minutes and actually shed a few tears. Till today I can't tell you why those tears rolled down my face- cos I did know he wasn’t available for me. All I know for now is that I want both him and @ out of my life. I can't deal!