I survived

Yes I have survived and will continue to do so.......

I’ve come to realize that people who do not face immigration (working permit) issues can never fully comprehend the gravity of it and the burden it puts on you. They can only try; and some do have an idea- some more than others. To someone like me (an immigrant), non-immigrants may appear clueless (which they tend to be) and sometimes rather insensitive (or obnoxious). With a tone of intolerance and irritation some attempt to encourage you but because they can not understand (or maybe refuse to) that tone sips through. Silently you hear, “get over it”, “what’s the big deal?”, “look for work harder”, “suck it up”, “go out and have fun and do things” (pardon my language but how fucking retarded can that be??!!!! How the hell am I suppose to have fun when to look out the window is a chore. lol- pardon my venting), “try and take your mind of it”, or “God will do it”. Yeh God will do it, but when you have no income coming in whatsoever and the mortgage and bills keep rolling in- it’s a tad hard to take your mind off it.

I remember the days I could not get out of bed nor could/would I eat if no food was not offered to me. March and April 2010 are months I will never forget and yet I actively try to erase from my memory. With determination I struggle to suppress those memories as they fiercely pierce my heart with excruciating pain. The pain still lingers. I do admit that other than my H1B/job matter, there were other personal ‘issues’ that added to my turmoil- like pouring gasoline into an already burning house.

March 2010: At Worlds End. April 2010: Dead woman walking.

I’ve always prided myself in my strength but this trying period that same strength was put to the test, turn apart, and humbled. I felt ashamed at the loss of strength; but in recent months I have spoken to men who have been in my shoes and felt broken. So norring do me.

As I’ve come to terms with some of my fears, I have managed to move on and embrace where I am. Patience is a virtue. As I’ve always said and STILL maintain- I’m a hustler to the core. Amidst trials and tribulations, I consistently come out STRONG and as a survivor. Favour is on my side- guaranteed! 7months and still counting, but that’s gonna come to an end one day. When? How? I do not know. But I have survived and will continue to do so.

I’m going ‘home’ to rest.